Where do I go from here?

Living at home since school has been convenient, and I love my family very much. But I don't want to spend my entire life in Massachusetts. The year I lived in Maine doesn't count much because, well, I mean, it's upstate Maine. I need somewhere a little more stimulating.

Though I don't really want to end up renting in Boston, I've marked it with a black spot of possibility on my seismic map of the United States. Also marked are San Francisco, NYC and DC.

I just spent a few days in San Francisco and absolutely loved it. I could see myself there. I felt good wandering the streets and I couldn't stop myself from imagining a new life there. I want that place so bad.

But, I've also thought about moving to DC and NY, specifically Brooklyn. My past/future roommate would prefer NY, so that's probably the most likely contender.

DC is fun and I really appreciate their public transportation. But, it's a city full of Type A's. Compared to my other favorite cities, it's a bit stiff. But I know some really wonderful people in that area and that's always worth a lot.

I really want California though. That place just fit. It felt good. It felt familiar. It felt like home.

Seeing as we have no money, significant debt and dismal job opportunities, our options are limited. Or maybe they're unlimited. I'm willing to work any kind of terrible job so long as I can experience something new for a while. Anyone else?

To Be Well-Read

It has officially been a year since I completed college. I haven't had any homework, exams, professors or study groups in the last year. My senior year was an apocalyptic struggle due to a broken right foot, a sprained left ankle, the stomach flu and a few other unplanned unpleasantness, but despite all that, I've really missed school. I've missed being challenged, and educated, I guess.

Bank-tellering has been challenging. It's a completely different beast from what I've spent the last 8 or so years focusing my efforts on. Working in finance and counting all day has shown me that I'm more well-rounded than I had realized, and I'm proud of that. I feel like I can do any job well if I just shut my trap and suck it up. I've done that pretty well for a year, but I still miss the ole' book report and research paper now and then.

Grub Street, Inc helped satiate my need for literary sustenance for a few weeks, but now that's done and I have no one handing me assignments anymore, and I don't have to face the weekly pressure of reading a freshly-hatched short story in front of a room of strangers. It was a huge challenge, but it felt very good.

So, until I save up enough $$$ to sign up for another writing workshop, I've decided to challenge myself. In the pursuit of becoming "well-read" I will attempt to read all of the books listed on The Modern Library's 100 Best Novels. I've already read a few thanks to Framingham High School's exceptional Honors English curriculum (...) but can't remember much of them.

I've dusted off my library card and will being my "Well-Read Challenge of Summer 2009" tomorrow. My college roommate has just moved home and I plan on enlisting her as well, because 1) she's already read way more of these than I have and 2) we technically have a 2-person reading group that unofficially disbanded last fall when she became a slacker and stopped reading the books we picked (bitch) but I'll let it slide. She knows her shit, and I like that.

Here's to a summer of words.
Books already read in red. Ha!

1. ULYSSES by James Joyce
2. THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald
   
3. A PORTRAIT OF THE ARTIST AS A YOUNG MAN by James Joyce
4. LOLITA by Vladimir Nabokov
5. BRAVE NEW WORLD by Aldous Huxley
6. THE SOUND AND THE FURY by William Faulkner
7. CATCH-22
8. DARKNESS AT NOON by Arthur Koestler
9. SONS AND LOVERS by D.H. Lawrence
10. THE GRAPES OF WRATH by John Steinbeck
11. UNDER THE VOLCANO by Malcolm Lowry
12. THE WAY OF ALL FLESH by Samuel Butler
13. 1984 by George Orwell
14. I, CLAUDIUS by Robert Graves
15. TO THE LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf
16. AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY by Theodore Dreiser
17. THE HEART IS A LONELY HUNTER by Carson McCullers
18. SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE by Kurt Vonnegut
19. INVISIBLE MAN by Ralph Ellison
20. NATIVE SON by Richard Wright
21. HENDERSON THE RAIN KING by Saul Bellow
22. APPOINTMENT IN SAMARRA by John O'Hara
23. U.S.A. (trilogy) by John Dos Passos
24. WINESBURG, OHIO by Sherwood Anderson
25. A PASSAGE TO INDIA by E.M. Forster
26. THE WINGS OF THE DOVE by Henry James
27. THE AMBASSADORS by Henry James
28. TENDER IS THE NIGHT by F. Scott Fitzgerald
29. THE STUDS LONIGAN TRILOGY by James T. Farrell
30. THE GOOD SOLDIER by Ford Madox Ford
31. ANIMAL FARM by George Orwell
32. THE GOLDEN BOWL by Henry James
33. SISTER CARRIE by Theodore Dreiser
34. A HANDFUL OF DUST by Evelyn Waugh
35. AS I LAY DYING by William Faulkner
36. ALL THE KING'S MEN by Robert Penn Warren
37. THE BRIDGE OF SAN LUIS REY by Thornton Wilder
38. HOWARDS END by E.M. Forster
39. GO TELL IT ON THE MOUNTAIN by James Baldwin
40. THE HEART OF THE MATTER by Graham Greene
41. LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding
42. DELIVERANCE by James Dickey
43. A DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF TIME (series) by Anthony Powell
44. POINT COUNTER POINT by Aldous Huxley
45. THE SUN ALSO RISES by Ernest Hemingway
46. THE SECRET AGENT by Joseph Conrad
47. NOSTROMO by Joseph Conrad
48. THE RAINBOW by D.H. Lawrence
49. WOMEN IN LOVE by D.H. Lawrence
50. TROPIC OF CANCER by Henry Miller
51. THE NAKED AND THE DEAD by Norman Mailer
52. PORTNOY'S COMPLAINT by Philip Roth
53. PALE FIRE by Vladimir Nabokov
54. LIGHT IN AUGUST by William Faulkner
55. ON THE ROAD by Jack Kerouac
56. THE MALTESE FALCON by Dashiell Hammett
57. PARADE'S END by Ford Madox Ford
58. THE AGE OF INNOCENCE by Edith Wharton
59. ZULEIKA DOBSON by Max Beerbohm
60. THE MOVIEGOER by Walker Percy
61. DEATH COMES FOR THE ARCHBISHOP by Willa Cather
62. FROM HERE TO ETERNITY by James Jones
63. THE WAPSHOT CHRONICLES by John Cheever
64. THE CATCHER IN THE RYE by J.D. Salinger
65. A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by Anthony Burgess
66. OF HUMAN BONDAGE by W. Somerset Maugham
67. HEART OF DARKNESS by Joseph Conrad
68. MAIN STREET by Sinclair Lewis
69. THE HOUSE OF MIRTH by Edith Wharton
70. THE ALEXANDRIA QUARTET by Lawrence Durell
71. A HIGH WIND IN JAMAICA by Richard Hughes
72. A HOUSE FOR MR BISWAS by V.S. Naipaul
73. THE DAY OF THE LOCUST by Nathanael West
74. A FAREWELL TO ARMS by Ernest Hemingway
75. SCOOP by Evelyn Waugh
76. THE PRIME OF MISS JEAN BRODIE by Muriel Spark
77. FINNEGANS WAKE by James Joyce
78. KIM by Rudyard Kipling
79. A ROOM WITH A VIEW by E.M. Forster
80. BRIDESHEAD REVISITED by Evelyn Waugh
81. THE ADVENTURES OF AUGIE MARCH by Saul Bellow
82. ANGLE OF REPOSE by Wallace Stegner
83. A BEND IN THE RIVER by V.S. Naipaul
84. THE DEATH OF THE HEART by Elizabeth Bowen
85. LORD JIM by Joseph Conrad
86. RAGTIME by E.L. Doctorow
87. THE OLD WIVES' TALE by Arnold Bennett
88. THE CALL OF THE WILD by Jack London
89. LOVING by Henry Green
90. MIDNIGHT'S CHILDREN by Salman Rushdie
91. TOBACCO ROAD by Erskine Caldwell
92. IRONWEED by William Kennedy
93. THE MAGUS by John Fowles
94. WIDE SARGASSO SEA by Jean Rhys
95. UNDER THE NET by Iris Murdoch
96. SOPHIE'S CHOICE by William Styron
97. THE SHELTERING SKY by Paul Bowles
98. THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE by James M. Cain
99. THE GINGER MAN by J.P. Donleavy
100. THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS by Booth Tarkington

Shit. But this will feel good.

Favorite of 2009 thus far

Wild Light. An indie band from New Hampshire. Have been compared to early U2, Arcade Fire (with whom they've toured) and Bright Eyes. Not convinced yet?

I first heard their single, "California on My Mind," on WFNX out of Providence while driving home after another bleak day at work. I couldn't get it out of my head but I also couldn't remember the name of the band. I kept hearing parts of the song on the radio, but the band name escaped me for a good 2 weeks. Why? Who knows. Incongruous black holes along Rt. 9 that only hit when I hear a good song. Or maybe I'm just very dull after a day full of bank-tellering.

Doesn't that drive you crazy when you hear a song that you instantly love, and need to hear again, but it alludes you somehow? Finally, on one rainy ride home, I heard the song again. I pulled out my notebook and wrote down some of the lyrics so I could ask my friend Google to find the song for me. Google, once again, prevailed.

I went to Newbury Comics that day and bought the album, and it's been spinning in my car stereo since. It's turned out to be a really amazing writing tool, too. I always think most clearly when I'm driving, and that's why I get most of my pages written in random parking lots up and down Massachusetts. Turns out, driving + Wild Light gets the pages written even faster.

I'm seeing them at Iron Horse in Northampton in May with Bodega Girls, a completely ridiculous group [that I think will be amazing live] with a sound best described as a "lo-fi hedonistic dance party."

Ironically, I'm going to San Francisco the very next weekend. Fuck California, though.

What have you done for me lately?

I'm very inconsistent with this thing, and it has absolutely no focus aside from whatever youtube video or wandering thought I'm focused on for at least a minute. I have reviews of some restaurants and bars to do, but I need a little free time for that. Surprisingly, working inconsistent hours, writing/transcribing, the occasional nap, hair cuts and damaging my already dismal ligaments at the gym has left me with little time to sit down and play on the googlynet or watch a bit of tv.

There's also a lot of time dedicated to cats. I know for a fact I would be a happy cat lady because I have no problem telling my cats jokes and letting them claw at me all day.

This isn't my cat, but he is about 95% identical to my Binx Monster. Binx looks a bit more like a bat and his eyes are almost popping out of his head. He also has tufts of white hair on his chest, armpits and crotch. He matured so fast!

Anyways, I dropped a major bucket of change on my first writing workshop yesterday. This month I start a multi-week fiction workshop with Grub Street and I can't wait. I've been stalking this organization for over a year now, waiting for the right time to join. I thought maybe I would try for an internship there because then classes would be free, but it just doesn't work into my bank lady schedule. Bank hours are great. So easy. Wonderful. Home by 4. But internships are out of the question.

So I saved some green and called them up, and I'm one step closer to achieving my one goal in life: write awesome books, have publishers kiss the rings on my fingers and beg for my manuscript, have the awesome books turned into amazing movies starring whichever hunk I may or may not be interested in at that point, and then take my money and move to a mountain overlooking the ocean in Maine. If only a mountain overlooked the ocean in Maine. I'll be famous and wealthy by then so I'll just call up my (soon-to-be) friend Stephen King, and he'll lead me to/build me my dream Mainer Manor. I mean, we both went to UMaine. Our paths are destined to cross.

I don't really like his books though. But I bet he won't like mine either.

WANTED: THAT JOB I WAS PROMISED

I googled "new grads recession jobs" in an attempt to find articles that would help answer why the hell I can't get a job and to find a bit of reassurance and support.

I know everyone is struggling--unemployment checks are the most common type that I cash at the bank. I hear heartbreaking stories everyday and a staggering number of my customers have little red flags that pop up when they do a transaction because their mortgages haven't been paid since November.

It's hard not to get completely discouraged, and it's been a wicked blow to my confidence that I haven't been able to start a career, or apply any of the skills I worked hard to earn in school. So many people, myself included, can't help but feel like it's their fault they aren't able to find their place.

So googling "new grads recession jobs" stacked a few really great articles in my lap. And, yes, that is how I phrase my googles. Just yesterday I googled "cat pee inside everywhere" and "anxiety bank teller fear." Google helps me work out my issues, one incorrectly phrased query at a time.

An article on Allbusiness.com was obviously written by a robot, because it churned out all of the typical "duh" advice spewed on the news all of the time that doesn't actually help at all. They had one particularly discouraging blurb:

The possibility of an economic recession is leading employers to set high expectations for new hires. As a result, it has become more important than ever for job seekers to leverage their experience, enthusiasm and long-term value to employers to have the best chances of surviving potential layoffs due to budget cuts and downsizing.

I don't know how much more enthusiastic I could be short of dropping to my knees at interviews and waving my arms above my head shouting, "I can DO THIS! PLEASE let me do this!!!!"

Penelope Trunk's Brazen Careerist, a really encouraging blog full of career/life advice from a successful woman who's "been there," had this to say on the subject of new grads vs the economy:

The best thing you can do for yourself is take time to figure out who you are and where you fit in the world. No one teaches you that in school. You need to do it yourself. Grad school is a way to delay this process, rather than move you forward, according to Thomas Benton of the Chronicle of Higher Education. So instead of dodging tough questions by going back to school, try being lost. It’s normal, and honest, and you will end up with more self-knowledge and less debt than your grad-school counterparts, and in many cases, you will be similarly qualified for your next big job.

Ahh, that's the kind of advice I've been looking for.

And this one I especially love:

You don’t need to be learning the perfect thing in your job. You just need to be learning. Don’t tell yourself you need a job that gives your life meaning. Jobs don’t do that; doesn’t that make you feel better? Suddenly being in the workplace doesn’t seem so bad.

I've been trying to look at the wide wide WIDE range of jobs I've had since graduating last May in this way. I've learned a bit from all of them. Learned what I hate, what my strengths are, and what I need to improve upon (i.e. stop being so shy and try to drop my voice a few octaves so I don't sound like a 14 year old/muppet.) I've also had the chance to meet a huge array of wonderful people from all types of backgrounds, all working for the same cause. We all just want to find a bit of peace while we earn our keep, and to enjoy it day by day.

And, just in case you didn't get the point yet, Penelope slams the final nail into the grad school coffin here:

In a world where people did not change careers, grad school made sense. Today, grad school is antiquated. You invest three to six extra years in school in order to get your dream career. But the problem is that not only are the old dream careers deteriorating, but even if you have a dream career, it won’t last. You’ll want to change because you can. Because that’s normal for today’s workplace. People who are in their twenties today will change careers about four times in their life. Which means that grad school is a steep investment for such a short period of time. The grad school model needs to change to adapt to the new workplace. Until then. Stay away.

In the fall I was hell-bent on attending grad school. I got the recommendations, the applications, the transcripts, and the fancy heavy-weight paper that says "I fucking mean business" but just couldn't commit. Do I want publishing? Creative writing? Teaching? Law? I have no idea. I want them all. So until I can commit/afford such an investment, I'm just going to keep working and learning...in the school of hard knocks!

Framingham vs Economy vs Cultural Rift

An interesting article about how the recession-depression is affecting the culturally conflicted Framingham, my home town.